I think I’m finally getting into the calm happiness about this baby.

That right there, calling “it” a baby is a big deal to.

I have been sticking to the distance of Fetus.

I still do have a fondness for all the fetus nicknames.

I’ve let myself feel all the emotions of finding out about this pregnancy.  I was finally in a place where I felt completely fine about possibly never having children.  Or at least a long time in the future.

And then..

Boom, the world explodes.

I’ve let myself feel all the emotions that have come up.  Knowing that it will go away.  I will be OK.  I am not ok this second, and that’s ok too.

I still feel overwhelmed when I’m really tired, or sore.  Wondering how I’ll cope with a HUMAN LIFE dependant on me.  But while I was so involved with my nieces’ early years.  It didn’t feel like that,  I was remarkably ok.  And she wasn’t my own blood and flesh child.  She has felt like it though.  We are still incredibly bonded and I love and cherish that.

Taylor and I have had our growing pains.  I have been less than graceful these months.  But I feel capable of that grace I want.  I feel like now that I am going to be doing this, I’ve given myself permission to be the person I truly want to be.  And now I’m growing into it.

Growing is pain.

But this is worth it.

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