my grandma died.

almost a month ago now.
the night before i sat with her in the icu holding her hand and talking to her, and giving her ice chips.

we both new looking at each other that she was going to die soon. and it was the most terrible thing. to touch her and to be able to feel her getting ready to go.
i dont like to touch people.

when i do i learn things about them, i pick up their emotions and feel them too. its not a very fun thing.
but i held her hand the whole time. memorizing what that was like. and thinking that it sucks that she’s not going to meet this baby. death doesn’t pay attention to things like plans. or people. or love. it just happens and thats it.

then you have to figure out what to keep and what to throw away. and tell people you’re fine.

when you can tell how someone is by touching them, it makes it really hard to do normal things. like chit chat, and pretend. so i don’t touch many people.

but im glad i’m always going to remember what she felt like.
how her hair felt, and how it felt to kiss her forehead while wearing a lip ring.

i dont have any grandparents left.