Today’s my due date, and all I can think is that I miss my grandma so effing much.
She wasn’t supposed to die yet.
I KNOW all people die, especially old ones.
But SERIOUSLY, with the ridiculous circumstances surrounding the last three deaths of my grandparents. They were stupid and unnecessary.
I don’t want to get into details because I don’t have the emotional energy for it, but just trust me when I say, it wasn’t old age. It was medical fuck ups and I HATE the hospitals in this town.
Another excellent reason for my midwife and home birth plan. (and it is just a plan, because things happen, and I am not naive about it)

Another thought I’ve been having,
I can’t believe I’m pretty much done. This is nuts. My body has never done ANYTHING right except this, the most important. We are almost friends now because of this. There is still a lot of trust issues regarding what is going to happen post-partem.  I don’t want to experience PPD. I want to be HAPPY, and NORMAL and just. Be.
I deserve that.
But moving on to the happy.
I am having a BABY any day now. I’m hoping for Tuesday.  “Tuesdays child is full of Grace.”
Grace is something I’ve striven for my whole life, and really. Tuesday is a delightful sounding day. Also, a day that is very SOON.
Which, to be all child brained about it. Only Two. More. Sleeps. O.O

I still cannot picture her. (p.s. if it ends up being a boy, I am going to laugh my ass off, but really, we’re all pretty positive it’s a girl)
It was like this when my sister was pregnant with my niece. Until she was actually born, and HERE on this side, I just couldn’t picture her, or my sister as a mother, or just anything. My imagination does not reach that far, I suppose.
But, I’m excited. And also, really hoping this baby comes SOON because, seriously folks:
Vagina’s are TINY! Babies, while small in comparison to full sized humans,

p.s. My lazy ass will be getting around to posting a week 40 giant belleh shot sometime today, most likely.
Also, FUDGEE Os are my new best friend. I have been eating all my “ack tiny vagina” feelings. I don’t recommend it.