Category: pregnancy stuff


Birth & Epilogue

“Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting.  The soul that rises with us, our life’s star, hath had elsewhere its setting, and comet from afar: not in entire forgetfulness, and not in utter nakedness, but trailing clouds of glory do we come from God, who is our home.”

William Wordsworth

read this first

Birth 

February 20

At 8:20 pm I had my first twinges while lying in bed watching Sharpe with Taylor.

10:30 pm and they were still keeping on keeping on.  I im’ed my friend Jess to let her know what was going on, and that I thought they were the real deal.  I also let my mum and sister know.  We started to feel equal parts excited and sleepy.

At around 1:30 am they started to be actually painful.  Not awful but more than just an inconvenience.  This is where I start to debate with myself and Taylor whether or not to let my midwife know whats up.

2:00 am  I decide to let her know before it gets any later and ruins her entire nights sleep.  I call her and feel like a major asshole for waking her.  She says that it (she listened to me during a contraction) most likely is the real thing, and to have a shower or bath and try and sleep (HAH)

After I finished talking to her, I showered and sat on my bath stool and prayed, trying to work out how I felt about everything. I decide this is the real deal, that I’m mostly excited, and majorly relieved that I will obviously not need to be induced.  Give myself a pep talk that the next 24 hours will probably suck.  But then BABY, so trade off seems ok to me.

3:00 am  I try and sleep.

4:00 am Things are definitely getting into the bad period and yucky feeling category.  I try and sleep, give up and watch some Emma.

5:00 am and I am drifting in and out of sleep still being woken by my lovely contractions that never really stop, just vary in degrees of discomfort and pain.  I also realize that it is impressively blizzarding out.  I found this very funny, because way way back when I figured out my ‘estimated due date’ I said, “it is totally gonna be a huge blizzard ya know!” (we always have our big ones in February) And I also realized that Monday would be the 21 which is Family Day in our province AND the day my Midwife predicted I’d have the baby. (HUZZAH for predictions)

6:00 am

This is where I am pretty hazy on times. I ‘think’ between 6-7 Taylor calls her again.  Things are a good deal more painful, but I am still able to talk through a contraction.  But not able to feel like I can cope by myself anymore (and where I feel like a huge wuss) She listens to me during one and says that she will get ready to come over and check things. Around 8 they (midwife, and student midwife) arrive.  I instantly felt better, and calmer as soon as they set foot in the door.  M sets up the birth station area and has me pick the most comfortable place to be for her to check me.  I lie down and she checks to see how things are progressing in the cervix department.  I am almost 2cm inside and 1 outside and babies head is right there.  I wasn’t surprised, or discouraged in the sense that I couldn’t do this.  But I was discouraged in the sense that I knew then, it would be a lot more work and pain for me to get her out.

I have experienced a lot more pain than the average person in my life. I have chronic pain health ‘issues’ and thought that I would be able to cope with labour pain better because of it.  That was not the case.  The biggest shock of my life was how intense the pain was and feeling overwhelmed trying to cope with it.  This is where my student midwife came into play.  She was the anchor that kept me able to work on coping and not drowning under the fatigue and overwhelming (at times) intensity of everything.

After I’m checked, M and SM leave ( I think they went to check on someone else and their new baby?  I’m not sure) with instructions to call when things pick up or I just need them to be there.  I manage on my own with Taylor till around 1 pm.

I would like to take this time to mention the things we did not do.  1. film anything till the very end. 2. listen to music. 3. take pictures 4. basically do anything that would break my focus.  Also, I did not swear. Not even a damn or hell.  Even in my head. O.O

I have a suspicion that it all went this way, because of the lingering contractions.  And how I am when I am in pain.  Also, the shock of how much pain I was in, in what I felt was very soon during the whole labour process.

At 1 pm I called them again, really wanting them to come. Things had picked up even more and I needed the extra support.  By 2 pm (I think it was 2 anyways) they arrived and I was checked again. (NOT FUN but I wanted to know) I think I was 3 maybe close to 4? They stayed and things slowly picked up.  Details after that feel like one giant wheel of repeating different postions. Lie on my side and labour, labour on toilet.  Labour on my hands and knees, leaning against a tall dresser. Back on toilet.  Around 5 or 6 was when I felt that mentally I could not cope anymore. I was done. I wanted pain relief.  M and SM and Taylor tried encouraging me and talking me through it, and said I was doing beautifully etc..  I finally said that it wasn’t the physical aspect of the pain, but that mentally I just could not do it.  M then walked me through what would need to happen to go to the hospital if I chose to do that.  All during that I was having this big argument with myself that went, “I CANNOT do this anymore, but I CANNOT go to the hospital. AHHHH”  Then I threw up massively and felt much better. THEN I realized, “Oh, so that’s transition. -.-”

After that things went very quickly. The pain was more intense, the contractions were now a constant stream and I was switching positions much faster. Bed, hands and knees, leaning on dresser, toilet, swaying against sink, bed, toilet.  Hands and knees on floor against bed.

Lying on the bed for the last time was when everything changed. I felt a lot of pressure and urgently needed to get on my hands and knees. That is when I needed to push. M checked me but I was barely 9 and the lip wouldn’t slide over the baby at all.  This was the worst and more stressful part for me.  Having to pant through the need to push! I also knew what pushing too soon could do.  I’m not sure how long this lasted.  I know not too long, because then I could not pant anymore and was 10 and pushing.  Tzigana-Mae came out in about 20 minutes of completely painless pushing.  The Ring of Fire felt more like paper cuts and therefore was inconsequential to me.  Which I am sure was greatly due to the wee-ness of Zs head and the Warm cloth/oil magic the midwives were doing to my junk.

8:13 pm

Tzigana-Mae Tulip Winter is born.  Weighing 6 pounds 12 ounces and 19 inches.

It was AWESOME. I pulled her out and she was slimy, definitely fresh, and was hollering her wee head off.  She smelt awesome, and she FELT awesome.  We didn’t even check to confirm she was a girl for a few minutes.  We were all swept up in fresh human glory.

Not long after, I pushed out the placenta (Which, was easy peasy. No bones.) and that’s that. It’s in my freezer all frozen and gruesome like.

My midwife asked me the next day when they came to check on us, “If I had another baby would I do a homebirth again?”  At the time I wasn’t sure. It was a, “NO WAY!  But well, Yah.”

I wasn’t sure because the pain was so fresh (though I can still vividly remember, it isn’t juicy fresh), and I wasn’t sure because I’m not sure if we will have another babe.  But now I can say for certain.  Yes I would.  The recovery and peacefulness, post birth carnage is worth it.  It was amazing to have a shower in my own home, and then go right to bed with the new babe and my Mr.  It was fantastic that my parents and a couple friends could come by and be out in the living room while I chilled peacefully in my bed.  And it was worth everything that I could keep my babe with me and control everything that was or was not done to her, and that I had complete peace of mind.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My thoughts/Epilogue 

Before my pregnancy was even a whisper, I was a birth and pregnancy junkie.  I spent most of my time reading and watching and learning what I could get my hands on.  That’s important because I feel it changed things for me and how I made decisions and experienced my pregnancy and birth.  Knowledge is Power.

If I were to break the Birth of Tzigana down into just a few words they would be,

Fatigue, Fire, Gratefulness, and Joy.

Fatigue would be the 24 hours.  The resting in between the crashing waves of Fire.  The not wanting to eat anything. (my midwife got me to eat half a sandwich and keep up my fluids.  Thankfully, I listened to her even though I did not want too)  I felt mentally Fatigued during Transition and in the early morning hours of labouring.

Fire was the pain.  The smoldering, slow burn of the low points of contracting. The bright burning high points. I did not experience “the ring of fire” it felt more like getting several paper cuts at once. I said “ouch ouch ouch” and laughed.  Fire was not the birth I wanted but the birth I needed.  Ziggy is Fire.  And I truly believe my pregnancy and birth prepared me for the person that she is.

I felt Gratefulness often. Gratefulness over the student midwife who I had come to love over my pregnancy that acted as (what it felt to me during and after) Doula. She was Strong, and Confident in me, she was my anchor. She massaged my hips and joints. Kept me present and vocal. She helped me regain confidence and was very calming during Transition.  Thinking of her and my midwife still makes me feel strong echos of how I felt in those hours.

Another point of Gratefulness is to my midwife, who kept me focused and working.  She was my rationale when my mind felt out of control.  She made me feel safe, and that I could just let go. My midwife had my back.  I am forever and eternally grateful to her and to them both.  They were a fantastic team.

Joy.  My first strong feeling of Joy was when I was able to push.  I loved it. No. More. Pain.  The endorphins and good feelings were running high and it was fantastic.  Tzigana-Mae was out in 20 minutes.  I was so excited to be almost done, to almost have her, and to have Taylor there with me.  When I was able to start to feel her head with my hand that just spiked it all up that much more. It was so amazing. A person, our little person, coming out of my body!  What craziness is this?!  Equal parts Science Fiction and Magic.

The Joy has not stopped.  There have been many emotional ups and downs in the short five months Z has been earth-side.  Trial by Fire comes to mind.

She is helping us be the best we can, so we can be the best for her.

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41 weeks 1 day.

The day Tzigana-Mae was born.

Birth, is this crazy, trippy thing.

It takes forever, but goes by like a blur.  Much like pregnancy, and life in general. (lookit me being all obvious with the cliches)

But, before I get to the gore, (actually, mine was particularly Gore (aheha, insert some kind of vague Al Gore joke here) free) I would like to get the Before things outta the way.

The previous day, a Sunday, (at around 8:20 pm) is when things started moving along.

I remember that day pretty well. I was stressing about the Tuesday coming up. If I hadn’t gone into labour by then, we would need to do the stress tests and nst and all that fun stuff. Now, being with a midwife, I could of course decline, decline, decline. But, I decided to just assume I would have the fresh human on the outside by then.

On one hand, I wanted to go ahead and have this baby, so I wouldn’t have to stare down the Induction Talk barrel anymore. On the other, I honestly was not that uncomfortable. I was not in one of those, “get this baby outta here!” states of mind. I was fine, I enjoyed feeling her on the inside. She was safe, and I really loved being pregnant by that point.

By which, I mean, the first five months were Puke Hell, and then it only upgraded to a slightly more functional Nausea Purgatory.

But towards the very end. It got a lot better, I didn’t have any joint pain, except for the pelvic pain, of OMG SHIN SPLINTS IN MY VAGINA. But, OK, other than that agony. Life was good.

I should back up and explain, why, with having a midwife, there was already discussions of having ‘The Discussion” about going over due.  I have hormone ‘issues’ and sometimes, with hormone issues, pregnant women if they are ABLE to get pregnant. They will have lovely pregnancies, but when it comes time for the end. We kinda stall out. Espcially when it comes to having a Thyroid issue as well.  So, that is why, at 41 weeks.  We were discussing, about discussing, “The Discussion.”

If there are any home-birthy-crunchers reading this, please know that, while I am more of a soggy crunch, I am TOTALLY with you on letting your body do its thing, in its own time. Which is why, it was just a discussion, about a Discussion.

Moving ON

Sunday Night! Turned into, THE NIGHT. Dun Dun DUH

It was pretty slow, boring, kinda uncomfortable, and did I mention boring? Also, I had downloaded this Contraction Timer iPod App. That SUCKED, it didn’t help that apparently I had “lingering contractions” which basically means that, They slowly got stronger and then slowly got mild again. See how I didn’t mention that they would STOP? No, OK, my contractions never really stopped. Just got less intense. THE ENTIRE 24 hours of LABOURRRR AHHHHH *dies* So that bit screwed up my ability to time them. Cue calling my midwife at 4 in the morning, like a douche, being all “HI! I haven’t done this before, so…what do I do now?” Her response, “SLEEP WOMAN, and call me in the morning.” Not actually though, she was really nice about the whole being woken up in the middle of the night.

So recap.

At around 8:20 pm things started happening. The then not really contractions, contractions, felt similar to period cramps, but in the bottom part of my stomach, by my pelvis area. Nothing happened for a long time, except being uncomfortable and frustrated as all heck with the stupidest of stupid iPod apps.

Birth Story soon folks!

p.s.

you know how people tell you that when its really early labour, to rest and sleep as much as possible? And then when it happens to you, you don’t. Which you regret, so then YOU tell people the same thing.

Well, I’m not telling you that, because you won’t listen anyways. The same goes with “SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEP AHHHH” people as well. Cuz sure, you should, but you WON’T. So I’m not gonna even say it.

Except you should.

Us part 1

Monday was a fantastic day.
Truly an awesome day from start to finish.

Taylor and I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s day.
For different reasons, but mainly because we’re broke like no joke, and were not very..holiday-sy people.
I love birthdays. That’s my thing, but everything else is just..eh.

But even though we had no plans for anything other than an ordinary day, it ended up turning into a deliciously romantic afternoon. Something that was much needed without my realizing it.

I had done my makeup, and put together an outfit. Taken a few pictures (which I’ve already posted around the web and on here) when I was just laying down in bed and relaxing while feeling the baby move all around, savouring the last days of her on the inside, when Taylor came and put on some Bjork and laid down beside me. We just spent a while lying there, with him stroking my belly and my face and hair. We didn’t talk, just laid there listening to the music. Loving each other in the quiet.
He is so special, and makes me feel so very loved in such an intense way sometimes.
This was just one of those out of the blue moments, where we both slowed down at the same time and took the time to just, be.
Just us.
Soon, it will be us and her. The person we made. And just, ah.
Thinking about all that. That our lives are going to be so different soon, and I knew he was thinking all that too, by how he was drinking us in with his hands. Memorizing what I felt like pregnant.
The moment was so special, and I don’t want to forget this.
When things are tired, and stressful. I want to remember that he is perfect. That he loves me perfectly.

These days have turned very bittersweet, and I’m getting all emotional about it all being over soon. The feeling of a person hiccuping inside you (!) is so crazy, and surreal. I can’t explain it. But all those things, are very special and intimate.
It’s making me all sad that this part is going to be done soon, and I am really going to miss it.

Still no baby

40

 

Today’s my due date, and all I can think is that I miss my grandma so effing much.
She wasn’t supposed to die yet.
I KNOW all people die, especially old ones.
But SERIOUSLY, with the ridiculous circumstances surrounding the last three deaths of my grandparents. They were stupid and unnecessary.
I don’t want to get into details because I don’t have the emotional energy for it, but just trust me when I say, it wasn’t old age. It was medical fuck ups and I HATE the hospitals in this town.
Another excellent reason for my midwife and home birth plan. (and it is just a plan, because things happen, and I am not naive about it)

Another thought I’ve been having,
I can’t believe I’m pretty much done. This is nuts. My body has never done ANYTHING right except this, the most important. We are almost friends now because of this. There is still a lot of trust issues regarding what is going to happen post-partem.  I don’t want to experience PPD. I want to be HAPPY, and NORMAL and just. Be.
I deserve that.
But moving on to the happy.
I am having a BABY any day now. I’m hoping for Tuesday.  “Tuesdays child is full of Grace.”
Grace is something I’ve striven for my whole life, and really. Tuesday is a delightful sounding day. Also, a day that is very SOON.
Which, to be all child brained about it. Only Two. More. Sleeps. O.O

I still cannot picture her. (p.s. if it ends up being a boy, I am going to laugh my ass off, but really, we’re all pretty positive it’s a girl)
It was like this when my sister was pregnant with my niece. Until she was actually born, and HERE on this side, I just couldn’t picture her, or my sister as a mother, or just anything. My imagination does not reach that far, I suppose.
But, I’m excited. And also, really hoping this baby comes SOON because, seriously folks:
Vagina’s are TINY! Babies, while small in comparison to full sized humans,
ARE SIGNIFICANTLY LARGER THAN VAGINAS
-.-

p.s. My lazy ass will be getting around to posting a week 40 giant belleh shot sometime today, most likely.
Also, FUDGEE Os are my new best friend. I have been eating all my “ack tiny vagina” feelings. I don’t recommend it.

 

 

39

Baby K-C

This is from our 36 week ultra sound. It went really well! Fluid is great. Umbilical blood flow is great! And!
It’s a girl! 😀

She was so chill in there, it was so cute. The ultrasound tech was smitten (which I’m sure she is with all adorable little fetuses)

She loves being in a ball with her arm up stroking her face.

Gah!! The cute of my baby!

 

So I promptly went out and bought a few less gender ambiguous clothes.

 

PEOPLE! It’s a STRAWBERRY outfit!

 

I have a mad love for vintage style rainbow stuff.

Also, Taylor is going to be a dad!

(Cue mind being blown)

 

 

There is a frog. On it’s BUTT! ❤

So yeah! My weeks has been pretty alright. I’m starting to slow down now, the baby has dropped into my pelvis so walking is…interesting.

Midwife and Chiropractor appts today went very well.  Being able to see my chiropractor twice a week has been amazing.  I have had very minimal physical pain since being pregnant.  I don’t know how on earth other pregnant women can cope with being pregnant without seeing someone!  Seriously yo.  Tip number one to people not as of yet knocked up.

I love my midwife appointments.  She is so nice and chill. We talked about birth stuff today. i.e. what to do if my water breaks early and questions I had.
Three more weeks and I am considered term! Well actually more like two and a half.  Holy WOW.
Also, my last ultrasound is on the 19th this month (to check presentation, since I am planning a home birth we don’t want any surprises) at 7:30 AM. AM! That is insane. >.<  But hey, we may be able to find out the sex so that’s kinda cool.  I am really sick of green and yellow shit.  It is insanely frustrating that you can only have green or yellow. (apparently all other colours take sides) They DO make girl stuff that’s not too girly or vomit pink, but is still obviously not ‘gender neutral’ either.  Which I don’t love.
I’m thinking this kid is going to have a lot of costumes.

I still don’t feel like I am going to be getting an actual human from this.  It STILL has not sunk in. I don’t know if it will until there is a slippery fresh human on the outside in my hands.
It’s not that I don’t feel connected. I just cannot imagine a life with 3. My brain cannot connect the imagery.  But Taylor has the entire confidence of the Universe, so I think we’ll be ok.

Sometimes I think my brain has been damaged by all the bad things I’ve experienced so far in life. That the promise of pure joy in my future is just incomprehensible.  Babies are magic, healing balls of light.   And even though my brain can’t picture my near future too well.  I am still so excited!

breathing

I think I’m finally getting into the calm happiness about this baby.

That right there, calling “it” a baby is a big deal to.

I have been sticking to the distance of Fetus.

I still do have a fondness for all the fetus nicknames.

I’ve let myself feel all the emotions of finding out about this pregnancy.  I was finally in a place where I felt completely fine about possibly never having children.  Or at least a long time in the future.

And then..

Boom, the world explodes.

I’ve let myself feel all the emotions that have come up.  Knowing that it will go away.  I will be OK.  I am not ok this second, and that’s ok too.

I still feel overwhelmed when I’m really tired, or sore.  Wondering how I’ll cope with a HUMAN LIFE dependant on me.  But while I was so involved with my nieces’ early years.  It didn’t feel like that,  I was remarkably ok.  And she wasn’t my own blood and flesh child.  She has felt like it though.  We are still incredibly bonded and I love and cherish that.

Taylor and I have had our growing pains.  I have been less than graceful these months.  But I feel capable of that grace I want.  I feel like now that I am going to be doing this, I’ve given myself permission to be the person I truly want to be.  And now I’m growing into it.

Growing is pain.

But this is worth it.

grumbles

Him: I don’t like that one.
Me: Me either. Why don’t you like it?
Him: Cuz it says, “Ohhh, we’re a family now, so we must conform to the family colours of family-ness.”
Me: EXACTLY

Can I admit that I didn’t even really want a stroller??  Anyways, we must, we must. So this is the one we’ve picked.

At least I can do the dang baby registries online >.<